Spanking is essentially the first step toward kinkier sex. It's an easy way to make sex feel dirtier and naughtier without having to learn how to tie knots or buy a blindfold. The only tool you need is your hand, though you’re not just limited to your palm (paddles and crops, anyone?).
If you’re curious about how to try spanking for the first time, check out our 101 guide for beginners. It covers everything from establishing safe words to proper spanking etiquette. You need to know this stuff.
For all you seasoned spankers and spankees out there who are interested in incorporating spanking into your regular bedroom routine, you know we have the goods. This is the 201 guide for the kink-inclined and curious.
Here is everything you need to know about getting spanking on the sex menu. Bon appétit!
The first thing you have to do with any new sexual play is determine your boundaries. Do you want to be bent over your partner’s knee and spanked for five minutes? Do you want spanking only during sex? Do you want to be the spanker or the spanked?
These are all questions you should decide before anyone gets spanked: You may decide that your partner can spank you whenever they want during sex; you might only like it when you specifically ask for it; they may want you to spank them and pull their hair at the same time. It’s all very molded to your preferences.
Figure out what works for you and set those rules up so you can both have a safe, sexy, enjoyable time.
Introduce spanking in a foreplay context.
To suss out if your partner is into spanking, ask them during dinner, while you’re showering after the gym, or when you’re texting earlier in the day. Say: “I want you to spank me tonight,” “I’d love to feel your hand spank my a** later,” or “I want to give you a spanking when we get home.”
Introduce spanking before you spank. We can’t say this enough.
If you’re well-seasoned and know your partner is always down with spanking, you should still check in. What works during one sex session may not work in another. Put the suggestion out to them and see how they respond. Spanking is a two-way street and it only works if everyone is into it.
Communication doesn’t stop at setting boundaries. You need to be communicating throughout the entire sexual experience. If your partner spanks you a little too hard, say something.
You don’t have to grit your teeth and bare it—this isn’t what good sex is about. If you didn’t like it say, “Spank me a little more gently, baby.” If you want it harder say, “Hit me harder!” You can even add in nicknames.
If you’re the one doing the spanking, ask if your partner likes it. You don’t have to stop what you’re doing and say: “Was that okay? Are you okay? Did that feel fine?” It can still be sexy. For example, ask him/her: “Do you like when I spank you like that?”
There are ways to establish how someone is feeling without ruining the mood.
Encouragement is always beneficial.
To be honest, spanking can make people feel a bit vulnerable, and it may strike up an emotional response. So make your partner feel comfortable by encouraging them.
Tell your partner how sexy they are when their butt gets pink from your hand or how hot they look laying over your knee. If you want to get spanking on the regular rotation during sex, you need to make your partner feel good about it (and visa versa). Even if they absolutely love spanking or getting spanked, letting them know how hot they are will only spurn things onward.
Be willing to try both roles.
Both you and your partner should come to the table with an open mind about how spanking can go down. Be willing to try both roles as the spanker and spanked—if you're comfortable with it.
If you love spanking your partner, and they love getting spanked, go forth and live your life. The point is not to completely change the way you interact sexually or try things you don’t like, but to be willing to explore all aspects of a sexual act.
If you let your partner know you’re open to reversing roles, they’ll likely feel more comfortable with spanking. It gives you more room to try new things and play with power dynamics.
Check in after the fact.
No matter how often you engage in spanking, you need to check in with your partner. When you’re cuddling after sex or even when you’ve gotten dressed and are making your morning coffee, ask what liked about your sexual experience and what could use improvement.
Specifically ask if the spanking turned them on. Having open communication is the only way to ensure both partners feel safe and taken care of in a relationship.
Incorporating spanking into the bedroom means understanding that at any time one or both of you may decide you don’t like it anymore. You have to be okay with that.